How Losing Empress Changed My Life Forever — And Why Grief Never Lets Go

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I grew up with Empress. Even though I don’t remember the very early years, my mom told me that when I was a baby, just two or three years old, she had to go to school far away — in another state. For months at a time, I was left in Empress’s care.

It felt natural to be close to her. My mom once told me about the day she finished school and returned home and empress when to pick her up from the park. When they got off the taxi, my brothers ran to welcome her. And instead of running to my mom, I ran to Empress and hugged her.

My mom cried that day — because she knew she had missed so much. She had to rebuild our relationship, bribe me even 😂 just to get close again.

Through primary and secondary school, boarding school wasn’t easy — but what kept me going was knowing I’d spend holidays with Empress. She took care of me, and those moments were the best part of my life.

From birth, Empress was there for every step — my constant, my anchor. That’s why losing her has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever faced.

Grief is not easy. It’s a lonely road that no one talks about enough. Some days, I distract myself and feel like I’m making progress. Other days, it hits me like the very first day — raw and unbearable.

Memories blur with time — except grief makes every detail sharper. I remember every moment of Empress’s illness and passing like a photograph etched into my mind.

If you’ve lost your best friend, a child, a spouse, or someone who was your whole world — you’re not alone. Somewhere out there, someone is feeling the exact same pain.

Life isn’t going to be the same. I won’t tell you “there’s hope” or “it will be okay” — not yet. But over time, by honoring those we’ve lost, by holding on to their memory, we can find a way forward.

For me, this blog is my way to make sense of it all — to give life meaning when it often feels meaningless.

So keep trying. Wake up every day. Some days will be lighter, some heavier — but keep trying. Remember the good, smile at the memories, and hold on.

I imagine Empress watching me, and hope she’s proud to have a brother who keeps going. That thought keeps me going.

We will be okay — if we keep trying, together


For Empress, always.

— Jaes

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