💔 “The Letter I Never Sent”

 

To the girl I loved but had to walk away from.

Hey baby,

I think we really needed to talk back then, but I couldn’t bring myself to say all this. So here it is now—the letter I never sent.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. About us. About how things used to be. About how they slowly stopped feeling like home. I always believed in honesty, in saying even the smallest things before they become poison in your head. I’ve seen what silence does to relationships—how it breeds overthinking, mistrust, and eventually distance. That’s why I tried to speak up every time something felt off… no matter how small.

But I’ll be real with you—I didn’t always handle your concerns right too. Sometimes I brushed them off, made you feel like they didn’t matter. That was wrong. If something bothers the person you love, then it matters. Period. I see that now. I learned that the hard way, through fights, tears, and lessons I wish I didn’t have to learn through losing you.

As a young man, it hasn’t been easy trying to figure out life, love, and emotions—especially when nothing around me seems to go right. But through it all, if I showed you anything, I hope it was this: I undeniably loved you.

You weren’t perfect either. But I never expected you to be. We were two flawed people who kept fighting for something real. We argued, we hurt each other, but I always believed we’d grow, evolve, and one day laugh at how far we’d come.

I held on to that belief.

Until i travelled.

When I got back, things weren’t the same. I felt it. And truthfully, I think I lost you the first time you broke up with me that night. Something shifted. The girl who once used her last dime to call me was suddenly out of reach—even when she had just got paid her allowance. That girl who made me feel like I was her entire world... I couldn't find her anymore.

From the girl during COVID who told her friends she couldn’t imagine ever laying next to anyone else-or couldn’t imagine someone else on top of her—and would come back to me any opportunity she got.

To the girl who now ran to another guy when we had a misunderstanding for comfort when I was just one call away. That broke me.

But i tried to look past it because afterall we’re humans we’re bound to make mistakes.

Then came the second breakup, in December about a month after I just lost Empress. I remember the misunderstanding we had that Sunday morning and till date i laugh when i think of it, it was the most silliest fight ever! 

But it came from my hurt and truthfully I don’t blame you for not seeing it, you’ve never been through what i went through.

So i went quiet, Not for anything but because i didn’t want to transfer my pain to you or anyone else i loved.

But secretly i hoped you’d reach out to me and see how i was doing, you never did.

After a week I reached out to you

 But you ignored and blocked me so i texted you this:

“Good morning babe I've been trying to get a hold of you since yesterday to no avail i think you might have blocked me lol 😆

Anyways I wanted to apologize for Sunday 

I shouldn’t have come at you the way i did, i guess grief does crazy things to the mind 

And waking up to your messages was something i got accustomed to that gave a little bit of peace, a hope that not everything was bad at least this one person still has me in mind, but when that happened it just brought back alot of grief but either way thats not an excuse for coming at you like i did and im sorry 

I hope you can forgive my behavior 🩷🩵”

When you finally replied You broke up with me.

And still… I tried. Even after you ghosted me, blocked me, ignored me for days—I kept showing up. I begged. Because I was grieving more than just us. I had just lost someone I love, and I needed you. I thought, after 7 years, I was worth a little more fight.

But the way you carried on like nothing happened… the way you kept entertaining him after everything I was going through? That killed something in me.

That was the moment I realized—you weren’t the same girl anymore.

I couldn’t even talk to you about it. I knew you’d blow up, twist it, or walk away again. So I said nothing…

But I still didn’t feel better. I thought maybe going through the screenshots, of your conversations with another person, reading the chats again and again, would help. But it never did.

And look—I don’t hate him. He didn’t owe me loyalty. You did.

You made those choices. You flirted. You lied. You covered it up. You gambled our love and blamed me for the consequences.

That’s when I knew—I wasn’t fighting for us anymore. I was fighting for a memory of you. A version of you that stopped existing the moment you chose someone else over the one person who never stopped choosing you.

I started asking myself things I never had to ask before:

• If He was the one serving with you where you were posted, what would’ve happened?
• If I lost everything tomorrow, would you still be beside me?

And for the first time… I didn’t like the answers.

Months passed…

And i got hit with a harsh reality that i was 28 now. I’ve got two years to settle into the kind of man I’m proud of. A man with peace, direction, love—not confusion and manipulation. Not walking on eggshells around someone who used to be my peace.

I still love you. That’s the hardest part. I love you so much, and that’s exactly why I have to walk away.

I’m blocking you—not out of hate, but because healing needs silence. I’m deleting our memories—not to erase you, but to save myself. Maybe someday we’ll talk again, maybe we’ll even laugh. But that time isn’t now.

I hope you find what you’re looking for. And I hope, this time, you won’t be at another emotional crossroads when it finally finds you.

Take care of yourself, Boobear 🐻
Always,
— Jaes