When Healing Makes You Hesitate

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A letter on love, loss, and the quiet war between moving on and holding on.


Letter:

There was a time I used to be a happy guy. Genuinely happy. I grew up in a family of five, and I had what felt like a stable relationship for seven years. But life has a way of flipping the script when you least expect it.

In 2017, I lost my dad.
Then not long after, I lost my siblings.


And just a few months ago… I lost Empress—my sister, my person, my entire world.

After she passed, my relationship started to fall apart too. You’d think someone who loved you would hold you tighter when you're crumbling—but that wasn’t the case. Every time I hit my lowest point, she drifted away instead of showing up. One day we’d be fine, the next she’d pull away without reason. We’d fight, or worse, I’d feel punished for simply being broken.


That breakup came quick after Empress died. And it wrecked me.

Since then, I’ve been trying to build a new life from the ground up. I hustle hard, chasing crypto bags and online gigs—anything to create a future where I can take care of my mom and what’s left of my family. I try to smile. I try to keep moving. But truth is, the weight never really leaves.

And then… came Sallie.


She showed up when my heart was still in pieces. She wasn’t perfect—but there was something. Something warm. Something kind. Something real. And while I wanted to dive in, to hold on to her, a part of me kept pulling back.


Not because I don’t like her.
But because I’m not okay.

I’m scared, honestly. Scared to love again while I’m still grieving. Scared to open up just to be left again. My heart is literally telling me: “If she hurts you, I won’t survive it.” And that message is loud. It’s not fear of love—it’s fear of breaking beyond repair.

People say, “If you really loved her, you’d be ready.”
But it’s not that simple.


Sometimes your heart and your mind block you on purpose—not because they don’t want love, but because they’re trying to protect you from more damage.


And that’s where I am right now.
Trying to figure out if I’m guarding peace…
or just too broken to recognize love again.

I don’t know what the future holds. Maybe one day I’ll be ready. Maybe not. But if you’ve ever been here—stuck between healing and hoping—just know you’re not alone.


Some of us aren’t scared of love…
We’re just still mourning the last time we gave it everything and got left with nothing.


For Empress, always.

— Jaes


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